Ace Markaa

Much of the prose doesn't flow logically and reads awkwardly whenever you get to descriptions. A silver flash raced through the dark forest at 'incredible speeds, startling any creatures it ...

Biggest issue with this is the name for me. Rydia is the famous, cute and weak-willed girl from Final Fantasy 4. The name is so unusual and so iconic I ...

This is not good, and to describe it like this is a bad idea. I can't help but question what your first attempt was if this is what you wrote. ...

I don't like this rushed start, its too much too fast. The word choice is shaky at best and it flows rather poorly as a result of the confusion. It's ...

You forgot to have Wall-o-text and BIG AWESOME CAPS. Perhaps maybe one of these ^-^ or one of these O.o and of course a big :D just to be cute. ...

It was good, but in your struggle to describe and identify the character you lose focus of your objective, the conflict of a beast. The title is fluff and so ...

This is far from being perfect or original. The narration is wishy-washy and just unrefined spewing of information. You also wrote this like a summary, not a prologue. Its like ...

Starts off all epic like, LOTR style and that is not exactly wonderful because it quickly fades away after the first two paragraphs. Characters are shallow and are hard to ...

Going to skip the issues of descriptions and setting because you posted the 6th chapter, not the first. In any event, it was pretty well written, but the how and ...

Spike this. It has a disjointed flow. Rushed scenes and no descriptions relevant to plot. No reader wants to read words that are not important to what is happening just ...

Form wise this works, but it falls more under a sci-fi/fantasy cross which it is pretty clear you have little research in. Avoid sentence fragments, even if they are mechanicial. ...

The prose switches to narration and ruins the flow, it interrupts the story for information that could be convayed by ancedotal reference by the character. I'd remove the narration bit, ...

The major problem with this piece is some slippage into passive prose. Like, 'the house lies in san diego'. Whenever you write like that, it ruins the flow. I can't ...